Died in a nasty accident

Or if you want to be politically-correct about it, I have an autistic son.

...you have to chew on it a while to get the full effect...

All of them!

A fucking Moron

Choked because a cookie was stuck in his throat after seeing the gas bill.

Like bitch that's a BIB

That's just how it was on the sugar plantation.

Sherriff said it was the worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership. If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The ~~bus~~ annoyed ~~bus~~ driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver." **EDIT: busted for two too many buses!**

The press described it as an "Ice cream cone in your back-pocket law" because there were never any heterosexuals in California... California also recently legalized all forms of child molestation... The kids in California were very upset about this law... since those kids were all homosexuals, it turns out they were staunch proponents of their own molestation and themselves predatory child molesters. A unanimous majority from the California Supreme Court issued this Principle Opinion: "If a man molests a small child who is himself an unapologetic and predatory child molester, one must argue this grown man has been in the same right been sexually assaulted by the small child. To argue that one of the two child molesters involved did not enjoy and consent to the child molestation implies that this argument holds true with respect to the other, thus neither party consented to the act. As there is no precedent for mutual rape in which both involved individuals are charged with raping each other, we must concede that no crime has been committed."

It's a racial stereotype.

They would gas out so hard they'll die.

They like everything 50% off

Because the story of 72 virgins doesn't work on them.

A rabbi and priest run out, sweating. The priest asks, "What about the children?" The rabbi replies, "FUCK THE CHILDREN!!!" The priest stops for a bit and asks, "Do you think there's enough time?"

With an Ouija board

Nobody likes the dark ones

Not everybody gets it.

Good thing for him he was also born blind.

I keep telling her that the kids would probably prefer something like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

Apparently, the answer wasn't, "Ask Michael Jackson."

but didn't want to pay for an entire hat.

Because they can't accept change.

"Who's there?" "Michael J Fox"

then the son replies: mom I'm blind and mom says: exactly

Burn a body at the crematorium, you're being a, "respectful friend." However, do it at home and you're, "destroying evidence."

Take a look at their women’s rights,these are fucking jokes

Every time I ask for some they only give me a spoonful